ND 1-2-3: When it’s hard to tell if they’re “just kidding”

Sometimes, a bully is an older child, a stronger child, or a person who picks on someone who is weaker, or smaller, or alone. But bullying behavior can also come from someone your child knows well. It can even be a parent, grandparent, or other trusted and beloved adult. 

The difference between teasing and bullying can be slight, especially for a child who is neurodiverse. That can make the behavior harder to spot, and harder to talk about. You can help before, in the moment, and after.

Here’s the 1-2-3:

#1: Spot the signs

Your child may not have the words to say something is wrong. Watch for:

• Meltdowns, shutdowns, or stomachaches

• Getting upset after time with one friend or relative

• Hurtful words they repeat, like “He says I’m weird”

Let’s say your child comes home from a cousin’s house quiet and upset. You might ask some open-ended questions about who they saw and what they talked about. If they share something that was said or done that hurt them, one response that keeps the conversation going might be, “That doesn’t sound like a fun joke. Want to tell me more?”

#2: Give them the tools

If there is bullying going on, whether from a stranger or someone they know, you can help. Give your child four simple tools.

• Concrete rules. Help your child understand that a joke is only a joke if both people laugh. If your child asks them to stop and the person keeps going, that’s not okay. It doesn’t have to be a classmate or stranger, either. Family can be unkind, too.

• A short script. Practice one phrase, like, “Stop. I don’t like that.” or “That’s not funny to me.”

• A holiday plan. Talk ahead of time about what family and friends will be at holiday gatherings. Pick a signal your child can use with you if they need help and choose a quiet spot for breaks.

• Be a helper. If your child is uncomfortable around a certain person, they don’t have to spend time around them. If you hear something, say something like, “Let’s keep it kind.” You can also ask your child to come help you in another room. 

Let’s say an older cousin usually takes your child’s toys, taunts them, or leaves them out of games. Before the next family gathering where they’ll be together, practice things to say together. For example, your child can speak up by saying, “Give it back, please” and you can tell them if the cousin won’t do it, they can come get you to help. 

Your child should always tell a trusted adult if they feel unsafe, someone hurts them, or someone asks them to keep a secret. Telling isn’t tattling. Tattling is to get someone else in trouble. Telling is to keep yourself safe.

#3: Practice and check in

When you can, practice beforehand, before your child feels nervous or confronted. Role-play before family events and praise the brave efforts you see. Make sure to check in to see how it felt in the moment and how your child feels after. Over time, your child will feel more sure of what to do.

You’re on their side

Bullying is hard to take. When it comes from someone your child knows, it can be even  more confusing and painful. But your child doesn’t have to face it alone. 

Lead with listening, help them practice speaking up when it’s safe, and step in when needed. Your child will learn that their voice matters, that they matter, and that you’ll always be there to help. 

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